I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
