sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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