fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
