How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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