I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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