i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
