Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
