remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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