Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
