hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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