Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
