I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
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I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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