You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I pour the whiskey from now on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
