On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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