Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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