woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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