____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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