True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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