god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
