and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
