just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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