I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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