i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
