I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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