OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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