its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
