I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
