My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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