just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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