Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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