so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
