So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The power of my boobs compel you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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