Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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