Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
