Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
