I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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