I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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