Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
