I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
