you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
