I think my fart just growled at me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
