my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
