Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
