Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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