Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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