if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
