Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
