I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
