she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
