It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
