I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
