What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Bring me that man meat
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
