I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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