A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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