just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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