remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
