So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
