Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
