My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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